What is heavy becomes light

I was talking with my son in law recently when once again, we found ourselves trying to discern what is for the best. "There has not been a wrong decision yet." he said. I read the tired in his words but appreciated the strength in his conviction. "I have decided that each experience that is and has happened shapes us for whatever God has in store for our future. The present struggles, I believe are building calluses. I'm not sure what the future holds but I find comfort in that." he concluded. As do I.

I am a creative. My thoughts are many and are always changing. I have this vision this morning of standing in a wide open field while holding on to strings of elephant balloons. Real elephants tethered by simple strings. What a strange concept. Heavy presenting as light. What in the world could explain such a contradiction?

I was able to pin down my new and set schedule with my old job that lets me work in a new way from home here in SC. It is a position we are building together and I could not be more grateful. It has also been hard as most new things are. It creates more work before the ease of a new and more refined way sets in. This clarity of hours to work brought with it clear expectations which are a gift to a girl like me.

Without defined expectations, I seem to manufacture only unrealistic ones and it is maddening. Unrealistic expectations absolutely adore making out with "not enough" and together they go on to produce frustration, misunderstanding, discouragement and fatigue all wrapped up in confusion.

Do not throw the baby out with the bath water, I think. I have thrown out a thousand babies before in thinking that if something is this hard it must not be meant for me.

But not this time. I can't.

With the set hours I found comfort. I knew what time I had alotted to me in order to find another avenue for generating a much needed income. I knew that I was doing enough for them and so I could freely persue other things outside of those hours and their time.

I was not letting them down.

There is a need and there is a want and somewhere in real life and real time they are called to a meeting to come up with a plan. And this meeting is what I am unable to articulate. It is a meantime work that I can't seem to share with Rick in a way that he can understand. When I ask, "What do you want?" I don't think he has the ability to seperate it from what we need to survive for the long term here and I get that. I believe thinking about what we want seems like a luxury and there is no room for that in this time of true need. Here is the thing for me, however, one does not negate the other. I can know what I want all the while knowing what I need to do to get closer to that while doing other things to keep the lights on so to speak.

This is what it means for me when I read;

Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33.

It is getting up in the morning to spend time quietly in the LORD's presence as he listens to my wants wrapped in gratitude for my haves. It is acknowledging that we are living in answered prayer. For real.

We are healthy. Our kids are healthy. Our parents are healthy, mostly. We have food and hot water and a super swanky loft. We have no debt. I cannot tell you how often I prayed for that relief all the while God was changing my heart and behavior so that my outlook would be different for such a time as this.

As I write this our youngest traveled all the way back to Illinois to spend time with family and friends while sharing her husband and newborn baby girl. It is ridiculous, the things we have and the people we are surrounded by. It is more than we could ask or imagine.

I am grateful. Rick is grateful.

It is listening and reading for the answers to come when I ask, "What is it that you want me to know LORD?" "What is it that you want me to do?" Here is where I love all people and facets of many different religions but I truly feel for those that don't have a true and living God who has provided us with His word that is alive and active and answers me when I ask. Miracle.

Then I remember that goodness and blessing have followed me all of my days.

When I was young I played as children of the 70's did. I played house and was the mom who ran errands and tended her babies and cooked on cardboard stovetops. I played shopkeep in my Mother's closet and my Grandmother's back trailer cabinet where I sold everything from handbags to plants. I played the paperwork laiden medical receptionist who checked in the patients complete with clipboards and carbon paper. When my mom somehow came up with the money to buy a very early addition computer, the Commordore 64, I typed endlessly. It didn't matter what it was; a letter, a story or utter nonsense I simply loved the sound of the keys creating words. Through all of these things ran a common thread, I was a minister of sorts. I loved words and the way they dripped like honey over someone to encourage and uplift. I could never have told you that at the time but I see it now so clearly.

And then I was a mess for more years than I can count. If there was a drink or a drug or a bad decision I partook. If there was a creep, I dated and then some with them. If there was a lie, I believed it. If there was a lie, I told it.

A crossroad came. I could keep going the way I was going. I could go to the left and believe in God and try to clean myself up the best I could Or I could turn to my knees and actually believe God. A hundred shepherds came to my side the minute I knew there was no hope left in me. My choices became better but no where near perfect. I couldn't even claim that today.

Over time and with many small and bigger choices and only after I tried my own way most of the time before turning to God and saying, "You're right," a fog began to lift. I saw His goodness. I experienced His mercy. I gained His clarity and with that came a new found energy. A zest if you will.

I can look back today and see that God had put in my heart every thing I have come to be until now. I made a home where we raised 4 beautiful kids and ran the errands and learned to love cooking. I managed the most charming shop, the NOOK, in Peoria Heights where the front door jingled and the wood floors creaked. I am back with Senara where we have gone from scads of paperwork years ago to mostly digital allowing me this good work. And here I sit typing on a computer for the love of encouraging words and the sound of the keyboard.

God brought everything to fruition despite so many of my poor choices. He gave me the gift of photography as the absolute icing on the cake. And He is not finished with me, with us yet.

And so Drew, it is true, there hasn't been a bad decision yet because God promises to bring good of everything we do. Everything.

And so while I know there is a need and with this new clarity, I find myself perusing Indeed and setting out tomorrow to check out a locally owned and family run restaraunt where I just may strap my old waitressing belt on and give it a go. I know I will have fun doing it because that is just what happens, God brings joy to my soul for doing the things that need to be done.

Together, though, He and I know my want. My want lies in the fact that He delivers more than I can ask for or imagine according to His word and I believe He has something in store for Rick, me and Tapestry. I am excited to see what becomes of it but the truth is the becoming is a little messy but deeply satisfying. It is hard fought for and often times unclear in its direction.

We are building something that we do not have a blueprint for. This sounds so hokey but seriously, the LORD is our arcitect.

For a while now we have prayed, "LORD, establish the work of our hands." Then I woke up to say, "Egads man, he has! He has established the work of our hands!!" We have 23 recorded stories and we have people outside of our friends and family listening and even more importantly being encouraged!!" "We have got to change our prayer!!" I shouted. And we did.

Now we are praying, "LORD, how do we grow this podcast endeavor, this ministry?" The vision I got was a house with a steeped roof on the sides and a flat top. Over the top I wrote our name, Tapestry. Within the roof I wrote: grow. Down the side I wrote: With realistic expectations, trust in the LORD while excuding faith in abundance.

Believe big while doing the small work. The house itself is empty at the moment but I am waiting in very real expectation for the LORD to fill it up with dare I say, (sorry Rick) action steps.

We are all created in God's image and one very real charactaristic of Him is order, the need for clear expectaions and direction. This is what the house vision gave me: It brought the chaos of my creative thoughts into order. It gave me the ability to see how far we have come to even have the house built. I will know the next step to take when it is time and until then we will just keep as one listener put it, sweeping. We will keep our eyes and ears open for opportunity while trying not to be anxious or fearful that we are missing something or not moving at a fast enough clip. And in all of it we will give thanks.

We will do the small work of finding and performing jobs as if they were the big jobs all the while knowing a hope for the true big.

I may develop a couple more calluses perhaps from a broom or a waitress tray but I will trade those elephants for balloons for He makes my heavy light.