She Took To The Word

We are out of sorts.  I am out of sorts.

For the better part of a year, we have been walking side by side with Blue, my mother in law, diagnosed with lung cancer and now living out her final months.  We travel back and forth from Greenville, SC to Hendersonville, NC weekly and never at the same time.  We live out of 3 bags total where the contents may change slightly but they never hold anything more than tshirts, sweats and a few other necessities. I miss dresses.

Sometimes I still wear them for the smallest of affairs; going to Ingles or a quick lunch.  It is an important ingredient to this seasonal recipe.  Stick to anything at all that helps you to remember who you are all the while you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

I miss going to church and we had found one that Rick and I really loved in Greenville.  I don’t want to say that come Sunday morning we were jumping out of bed to go do anything but I will confess, we should have been because each time we left Newspring, we were altered just a bit for the better.  We knew that we had been blessed and as a result peace had enveloped us once more.  

It is that same peace that has enveloped me this morning as I sit in front of a window opened to a rainy Sunday morning.  I am sitting in her chair.  My bible and notebook are by my side.  And these are my thoughts.

I poured my coffee quietly in hopes not to wake anyone else. Caring for your parent is very much like caring for your newborn.  To steal away for a few quiet moments in the morning before their demands set in, makes my face cheerier when I first see them for the day. I remember a quote I once read, “All your kids really want to know is “Does your face light up when they walk into the room.”  All Blue really wants to know is that we are not burdened entirely by this season and there is even a part of us that is loving this walk with her, being with her.

Coffee and quiet time is an essential part of my yes.  It is true.  We are finding inconceivable, apart from the LORD, joy and contentment in this really hard time.

I open my notebook and write:

One day slips into the next… 

I read Jesus Calling.  “WATCH YOUR WORDS DILIGENTLY. Words have such great power to bless or to wound.  When you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself.”  

I think about episode 38:  The Wheels on the Bus Fall Right Off.  I think about the amazing weekend we had sharing time with our good friends at their cozy beach hideaway and then recording this episode together as memories 30 years in the making came to the surface.  I thought of the use of my word shit a few times.  I thought of the stories recounted involving drinking, sex, a bar and a militant.  That’s enough to make someone curious enough to go back and listen.  LOL!

I thought of my Facebook post:  I wonder will I ever find the inappropriate not funny?  Will I ever “grow up” enough to not say things that later I may think twice about?  I’m just not sure.” (Insert gritted teeth smiley face).

I thought, Here I am again today.  A fresh start after another messy day.  They start out strong and by the time I get to the end of any given day, my head hits the pillow with a sigh of “I did my best and now we go on. Thank you.”  It’s not bleak and those are not the words of a defeated woman.  They are the words of a realist who stands in answered prayer.  The prayer:  “Lord, help me in having a simple matter of fact relationship with you.  I don’t want to be oversensitive in the way that if I don’t feel every hair stand up or my stomach tingly, I question if you are there and walking with me.  I want to be beyond that.  I want you to be the first and foremost fact of my life.  Never questioned.  Never missed.  Always present.”

Newspring still ministers to me today as I pull out the Bible in a year reading plan to continue on even while we are not attending. Today lands me in Psalm 91.  

I take great comfort in seeing the large, bold print of this bible originally intended for Aunt Lori May 12, 2007 from Mark & Betty Meyer as a 102nd birthday gift.  It came to me from the free little library on Ridgfield as an answer to a mere thought, “I really need to get a larger print bible.” If you know them or see them, please send them my warmest regards and gratitude.

I also take comfort in the highlighted words and dates along the margins.  They are not necessary nor do they hold the secret to this book’s power but they serve to remind me that we have walked a long road and these words have been the map.  Only in hindsight could I deliver such revelation.  I take comfort in the fact that I often change the “he’s” to “she’s” and God is not offended as He knows they speak to me more personally.

Today though, Psalm 91:14

“Because she loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue her;  I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.  She will call upon me; and I will answer her.  I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honor her.  With long life will I satisfy her and show her my salvation.”

Why . . . Because she loves me.

Who am I that you would take the time to help me . . . Just a girl who speaks brashly sometimes and struggles in the midst of things and who picked up a cigarette yet again and dares to judge the actions of another one minute only to find myself doing the same thing the next.  I am just a girl but I do love you. Oh, I do.

And then Romans 5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in that hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Why . . . Because she believes me.

Who am I Lord that you would take the time to comfort me. . . Just a girl who believes you.

Leanne Morgan is a comedian from the South who has hit her stride.  With a Netflix Comedy Special and now even an old school sitcom complete with a laughtrack, she is gaining a wider audience with her hilarious banter including big panties and the love of her family.  She, in my opinion, is hilarious while perfecting the art of “non sweet while tasteful” sincere humor.  One of her favorite expressions is “I took to the bed.”  I have not heard her clearly define this term but to me it means this:

“I have had just about enough of the world and all it’s people.  I am going to go lie down and take care of myself for a moment.  Ya’ll are on your own.”

In my quiet time,, which is simply that,  the quiet hour before everyone and everything comes, I laughed out loud when I let my mind wander over all the things the LORD was speaking to me this morning.

1. Yes, your words are powerful.  Be careful how you use them and relay stories.  Gaining a wider audience, which we hope to do with Tapestry, our Podcast, also brings with it more responsibility and I don’t want to waste time being regretful over words and stories shared.  That being said, I am just me and I find things funny that others may not.  I believe God loves me just the way I am and while He refines me; it will prove only better and more successful.

2. GOD: “I love that you love me.  I am here and I am not going anywhere.”

3. GOD: “I love that you believe me.  I am here and I am not going anywhere.  You just keep right on persevering and I will keep right on refining your character.  All of it will be bathed in my hope that will keep you going kid.”

4. These are facts.  These are continual answers to a prayer.

When I open my bible, when I hear these words I cry.  I release.  These or any words read in this book often bring me to tears whether I understand the word or not.  It is the unmistakable presence of the Holy Spirit that makes it so.  It is about the time, the presence, the vulnerability, the openness and the trust and maybe the WORD will align with my need for that day or maybe it won’t but it will always, ALWAYS do something to my soul that alters it for the better.

I laughed out loud once more when I thought just this with a deep southern draw; It is Sunday Lord and I have missed you in Church.  All a girl can do is open up your voice.

With my bible pushed to my face to dry my tears of relief and as I breathed in deeply I thought, “Oh Good Lord I have took to the Word.”